October 13, 2011

Hey Mel,

                Well its 1:24am and in five more days it will be a year since you been gone. Im not going to lie sis, i hate that its like this. Why did you do this to me? I need you, Im so happy and the only person i want to tell is you but your gone. I wish that you just would have talked to me, becuase now Im alone with no confident, beautiful, encouraging, brave, crazy big sister to talk to myself. Im so anger inside i just want to scream!!! I honestly hate this, I wish i could just hop a flight and come see you but the only way im going to see you is if i visit your grave and i honestly dont think i can handle that right now. I am planing a trip to go see Jessie :) around christmas time i hope but if i dont start saving some money that trip will be cut short. But Hopefully someone will be coming with me someone that i wish you could have had the chance to meet. His name is Steven and Mel, He's wonderful everything i ever dreamed of! He makes me feel beautiful, wanted, appreaciated; I feel like he knows who I am but I wouldnt have to speak a single word. Hopefully he will be home when I take the trip so Jess can meet him, but Mel he's in the army and big time. Big Boy with some Big Toys! Yeah hes pretty foreal into it, cant really say what but he deffinately does it! And look i know that the last promise i made you was to never be with a guy in the military but what am i supposed to do, the guy stole my heart without me even realizing it. He crazy though he wants to marry me. Yes, i know im young but I dont care you only find one person that will give you butterflies everytime he says Hey Baby, or every time he smiles you get little tingly sinsations all over your back. But im turning into a wreck without you Mel. I miss my big sister no matter how many times i cry or scream at the wind, it wont bring you back to me. Ive been told that Ive grown into a very wonderful women by my boss, our biological sperm bank, and for some reason i always seem to far short when i think about who i am because i think of you. How i wish you were here so I could listen to your advice, have someone to go to walmart with on nights like this, cold, lonely and rainy. In five days I dont know what or how I am going to react Ill probably just sit back and watch TMC and drink acouple smirKnoffs for you, since that was your favorite drink and Ill probably build something since that was what we did the last summer i got to spend with you!

I dont really know how to end these letters to you and i dont really know if you are reading them but just know this you are greatly loved and missed by every single person that you knew here on earth. Especially Racheal. ANd Racheals surffering is unbeleivable becuase she never got the chance to truely learn what a wonderful person you were.I had that opportunity and i regert deeply not bringing her with me that summer, i rgert being selfish and throwing a fit at any idea of my little sister coming with me to Oklahoma, that brings major tears to my eyes when i think about how shes hurting all the missed opportunities that she never got to experience with you. All becuase of her age and me being selfish. Dad always told her, when your 15 then you can go by yourself, but you didnt make it to see that. We actually were begining to see our family dad was wanting to come see you if you would let him. Thats another pain that i couldnt imagine, Dad's i remembering how he looked when mom tried to tell him at first he thought she was talking about me and he freaked but mom said no not Becca he said Jessie mom said no then he said No Please not Melissa and moms face scattered and so did his. Mel the pain on his face was enough for a lifetime. He dropped to his knees and just screamed out asking You why did you do this. Trust me he regerts all the time he picked up the phone but put it back down because he knew you didnt want to talk. I hoped that your death would bring him and Jessie closer i think it has a little taking every little second we have on this earth for granted, never again will i do that. You have no idea when our last moment on this earth is. If thats one thing that your death thought me then Im glad because falling in love with Steven wasnt planned but Its deffinately made me the happiest since i was about 12 i think and you came and scooped me up to Myrtle Beach with you that was honestly the happiest time of my life or the time thatr you just showed up to visit us when i was little when i was 15 that summer all my best memories involve you Mel even in your death i got to see my sister play with Alana that funny ninja game oh boy. I think you would be very proud of Alana see beautiful and i think Im going to try and stay in contact with her maybe we could plan a trip and hang out!

All i know Mel is these next five days are going to be hell without you.
I Love you always
Your little sister,
Becca

P.S ill never stop beleiving :)