July 18, 2012 Catching up

Hey Mel,

I'm sorry that it been about since months since my last post, just really didnt have anything that wasn't uper negative to talk about. Well might as well catch up Steven didnt last, oh well shit happens. Passed all my classes last semester but yet still on finacial aid probation, hey could be worse.

I took a road trip with Racheal to Jessie's, that was a blast. I had so much fun with my sister, dancing to crazy train while doing 80 on the interstate while passing cars tring to make them laugh is always a great time plus all the fast food we ate was amazing! I really miss you ya' know. All three of us went and visited you and you know i wanted to cry so much but i held it back, i didnt want my little or big sister to see me fall apart like that. i regert not expressing now ofcourse but i had to be strong plus i didnt feel like getting a headache, you know how that goes. Nothing has really been going on lately except i decided to get back in the dating circle( although i wasn't out of it for long 4 months). His name is Collin, hes a really sweet guy, could see it moving further but Im not clicking my heels together just yet, i deffinately will have my E-brake on this time. Its hard though i dont think putting up a wall i like being, for the lack of a better term" Balls Deep" whats so wrong with being in love with someone. But we will see how this goes Im not going to just fall over again although i already have im catching myself or tring to slow things down.

Hmm, I'm having a problem with something though not really ready to talk about it, i just wish you were here. Oh yeah sis, hes in the army.....

Jan 11, 2012

Hey Mel,

I know I havent blogged in awhile but alot has happened in the last couple months. For one Steven finally came home! Not going to lie the first time i saw him it was like everything else vanished into thin air and all that was left was him and I. I drove all the way up to Bragg just to spend the night with him then work the next day! It was worth every yawn and 10 seconds naps in the corner at work! Then he came home home to SC we didnt see much of each other when he was first home which kinda freaked me out and I wondered there for a little while if our relationship was going down the tubes but When i told him i was planning on moving to missouri Ive seen him atleast everyother day! Its been pretty great to be honest and Mel the sex is great! I am still in disbelief on how perfect he is to me except he likes pancakes better than waffles which is very depressing

Another year has started off and so far its been great. My job is decent and i get paid pretty good. I started school and i think i should be able to handle it ok this time 3 class on tuesday and thursdays! Since im taking two over i hope to pass with an A. i dont want to fuck up like i did last semester, so i shall take this one seriously. Steven and I wont be moving in together until after this re-up of seres school which pisses me off because he leaves really soon for 2 months NO CONTACT! Mel Im going to die, i dont see how you could stand being away from chris but i must learn to deal with it because Hes making a career out of it! I hope i have enough strength to keep sane while hes gone. Everyones like youll get lonely and wanna wander to other men. But honey let me tell you something if i ever wandered away from this Man Id be the stupidest women on the face of this earth for one because i love him more than i love myself, I pray for me before i pray for me and hes always the first thing i think about when i wake up! I woke up this morning to his arms around it felt so nice! Like i was right where i was supposed to be, to bad it was on a rock solid floor and he stole all the covers from me so i was frezzing but it didnt ever matter!

Well i have to start getting ready for work now. Ill write again soon I promise because i know you want all the juicy details cant get to juicy on here though because others are reading and I dont really want them tooooo involved in my personal realtionships ya know.

Well Goodbye and Goodluck, Love you, Miss you

Becca

November 23,2011

Hi Mel,

I know its been awhile but ive been really busy. I miss you. Steven and i are still doing well but ive been thinking alot and ive come to a lose of words to be honest, black friday is coming up and im flat broke. PLain out flat broke! but i know acouple things that i have a man that loves me, a nice cozy place to live and i have a job that keeps me above water, most of the time the most important things is, is that i havent forgotten you i still love you as much as the day i first knew you exsisted. I miss you more than anyone on the planet could possibliy miss someone. MY boy friend doesnt know it but he reminds me sooo much of you its almost impossible to deal with, his choice of music, the way he talks, the things he does just to make me mad and then laugh at me about it.

It constantly amazes me how the slightiest things remind of you thoughout the days, that seem so dull and weiry but a small shadow of your light brings a smile to my face in the lightest most possible ways. You Mel made me how i am today; a small but mighty strong independent women, who has completely fallen for a soldier. Just like you, didnt plan it but it happened Mel and its been the best thing that happened to me since you, thats whats so fun about all this.....its new and exciting and bright and this new begining means the world to me. I know you always said i would never need a man, but Mel this man brings out the me Ive always been but couldnt be without him. Ya know? am i insane for thinking this way....

I think you would smile and say you silly completely mad girl, but you would know exactly how i felt and would understand the torment i was feeling. I wish you were here to teach me how to be the best army wife, girl friend i could possibilt be. I wish i had your stength even an ounce of it, then i know i would be everything he wanted and exactly what he needed :)

Anyway i just wanted to tell you about that but i love you Mel,
Your amazing loving sister,
Becca

October 18,2011

Dear Melissa,

   Today is the day you chose to leave us all behind, to take yourself out of the world, to face no more hurt, no more pain, tears, sarrow. I somewhat understand why you did it, because you wanted to be happy to be free from all the bullshitters that are in this world but what i dont understand is how you felt that dying was better. Look at all the stuff you missed in a year, and take into consideration these are just the things in my life, not to mention Elizabeth, Taylor, Chelsea, Hayden, Jessie, Aubrey, Lisa, Dad, Our little sister Racheal, you missed me running for Miss Homecoming Queen, my last christmas being considered as a minor, the birthday card a baught for your 30th birthday, My 18th birthday, my first party as a highschool senior, my first sneeking out the house story, my final softball season as a senior, my class day, My whole senior year, My graduation, my first real job, my first tattoo, my first attempt to live in this world by myself, the first time i was single for more than 6 months, my self realization of Who I am and where i want to be, my first day of college, my first possibibly husband material boyfriend and finally today the first day of the first year without you to tell you everything. I hate this look at all you missed just with me Melissa.

Today sucked by the way, I woke up to dad banging on the door at 10:35am to say he wanted to take me to breakfast, you know me the fatty said Hell yeah! But it was bright and sunny outside, warm. Then i came home around 2 and fell asleep waiting on Steven to come back online, and out like light bulb in a thunderstorm there i was dead to the world! So i woke up around 430 which is about the time i found out that you died last year and it was dark and rainly and just plain depressing outside! Thanks god rub it in that its an awful day for me, I screamed in my mind but psh whatever. Not like he cares my best friend in the whole world couldnt even tell me that she couldnt come see me like she promised she would, but i guess i wouldnt want to be around me on a day like today either. I just felt blah today honestly, i didnt really know what to think or what to say to anybody. Ive pretty much just sat in a depressing mood today but then i thought...

Melissa wouldnt want me to sit here and be upset for something that wasnt my fault nor my choice so i said what the hell, went and got a chili bacon cheeseburger with chili cheese fries, a bag of donuts and about 6 mello yellows and some newports shorts in the box, got me threw the day. Yeah, you know best how I am a fat person trapped inside a skinny persons body lol. Ha remember that day i made a bet with Chris that i could eat like 5 of his monster burgers and i got to 4 and a half! oh man good times! oh and the first night, when i got home from the airport Chris had stuffed Mushrooms waiting for me! Ah Best summer ever, plus the food was amazing. I Remember everything that happened in that summer, from the cabin building at 2am, to the tree house we built, to the morning you left list on the back of chairs for us to do. Ha gosh i miss you.

But Melissa theres something i have to talk to you about, and there is you to thank for this. I am almost positive that when Steven comes home that he will purpose and I am completely content with this matter of fact im excited and really happy! Everytime i think about him my heart beats fast and my mouth goes dry and secertly i can hardly talk :) I get so excited. And Life is to short, so Im going to live everyday like its my last! If that means saying Yes to Steven then i will say yes, moving to North Carolina finding a little house and making it ours then Yes. I want to do it all! Yes Im young but what the hell!

I wish you were here to approve him, dad likes him and so does mom :) which is a good thing because they have never really liked a single boy friend Ive had! SO what im tring to say is i wish you were here to come to my wedding OFCOURSE IT WILL BE AWHILE FROM NOW! SO EVERYONE DONT FREAK OUT but i think thats the next biggest thing that your going to miss and i always pictured you by my side holding my flowers and telling me just say yes like nike or something like that lol.

I work with a really sweet lady, she has lime disease and she inspires me alot like you did. Because shes a hard worker, determined, responsible not to many people like that in the world. Anyways
hope its been  a wonderful year where you are because its been a wonderful year for me just wish you coulda been here to see it with me.

Love you
Very
Very
Very much
You Little sister.
Rebecca

Shootin for the moon

October 15,2011

Oh Mel,

Last night and today has been pretty suckish! I took mom and my roomate out to my favorite friday night hotspot, but as soon as i got there i started play fighting with Eric which is one of the dancer for Ozzies ( the bar ) and anyways his foot decided to pretty much rip my big toe nail off, ahhhhh it hurts sooooo much! I wanna cry everytime i look at it! Then i come home to pass out wake up to my lovely puppy Rebel chewing on my 60 dollar wonderbra?! Like really dog wtf not to mention he also decided to sink his teeth into some knowledge and eat my biology 110 book, i doubt ill be able to sell it back to the bookstore with teeth marks and page numbers missing. Can you say Wow!

But thats not the reason Im writing today, My roomate has a six year old and there are often alot of kids over here and today i sat down and looked at a boy and Mel, I got that " I want that feeling" down in the bottom of my stomach. Is it wrong to want kids? I mean trust me i know not right now but with the last guy i talked to before Steve-O had a son as well and gah everytime i looked at him i wished he was mine, For some reason every blonde hair blue eyed boy i wish was mine. Even my little brother JJ, he's so adorable. The good thing about having this feeling earlier is that i think i actually think i found someone that i can get to that point in my life with :)

Mom met him last night, well sorta over a Skype video chat. She thought he was very attractive! And a goofnut which he is, but i love it thats all that matters anyway right? Ofcourse, i still wish you could meet him but thats wishin' for broken promises.  In  3 more days it will be a year sine you left me here, but its ok Mel because sometimes i still feel you brushing my hair, or something will wake me up at 3am and ill have the erge to go to walmart lol. Oh gosh and my roomate is sooo much like you Mel. She stays stocked with hot pockets, which i havent eaten until now since Oklahoma. Which is really weird Im doing alot of things lately that i havent done sine our last summer together in 2008. hmmm

Well Mel, how is it where you are? I know its hell here without you.
Do you miss me? Jess? Dad?  Well i know we all miss you!
Do you still love me?
Will things ever be the same?
Will i ever forget? I sure as hell hope not. Will you ever forget?

Theres lot of questions like thatm, that just over run my brain somedays and it honestly sucks.
I miss you Big sis
Love you Always,
Rebecca

P.S Ill never stop believing :P
XoXo

October 13, 2011

Hey Mel,

                Well its 1:24am and in five more days it will be a year since you been gone. Im not going to lie sis, i hate that its like this. Why did you do this to me? I need you, Im so happy and the only person i want to tell is you but your gone. I wish that you just would have talked to me, becuase now Im alone with no confident, beautiful, encouraging, brave, crazy big sister to talk to myself. Im so anger inside i just want to scream!!! I honestly hate this, I wish i could just hop a flight and come see you but the only way im going to see you is if i visit your grave and i honestly dont think i can handle that right now. I am planing a trip to go see Jessie :) around christmas time i hope but if i dont start saving some money that trip will be cut short. But Hopefully someone will be coming with me someone that i wish you could have had the chance to meet. His name is Steven and Mel, He's wonderful everything i ever dreamed of! He makes me feel beautiful, wanted, appreaciated; I feel like he knows who I am but I wouldnt have to speak a single word. Hopefully he will be home when I take the trip so Jess can meet him, but Mel he's in the army and big time. Big Boy with some Big Toys! Yeah hes pretty foreal into it, cant really say what but he deffinately does it! And look i know that the last promise i made you was to never be with a guy in the military but what am i supposed to do, the guy stole my heart without me even realizing it. He crazy though he wants to marry me. Yes, i know im young but I dont care you only find one person that will give you butterflies everytime he says Hey Baby, or every time he smiles you get little tingly sinsations all over your back. But im turning into a wreck without you Mel. I miss my big sister no matter how many times i cry or scream at the wind, it wont bring you back to me. Ive been told that Ive grown into a very wonderful women by my boss, our biological sperm bank, and for some reason i always seem to far short when i think about who i am because i think of you. How i wish you were here so I could listen to your advice, have someone to go to walmart with on nights like this, cold, lonely and rainy. In five days I dont know what or how I am going to react Ill probably just sit back and watch TMC and drink acouple smirKnoffs for you, since that was your favorite drink and Ill probably build something since that was what we did the last summer i got to spend with you!

I dont really know how to end these letters to you and i dont really know if you are reading them but just know this you are greatly loved and missed by every single person that you knew here on earth. Especially Racheal. ANd Racheals surffering is unbeleivable becuase she never got the chance to truely learn what a wonderful person you were.I had that opportunity and i regert deeply not bringing her with me that summer, i rgert being selfish and throwing a fit at any idea of my little sister coming with me to Oklahoma, that brings major tears to my eyes when i think about how shes hurting all the missed opportunities that she never got to experience with you. All becuase of her age and me being selfish. Dad always told her, when your 15 then you can go by yourself, but you didnt make it to see that. We actually were begining to see our family dad was wanting to come see you if you would let him. Thats another pain that i couldnt imagine, Dad's i remembering how he looked when mom tried to tell him at first he thought she was talking about me and he freaked but mom said no not Becca he said Jessie mom said no then he said No Please not Melissa and moms face scattered and so did his. Mel the pain on his face was enough for a lifetime. He dropped to his knees and just screamed out asking You why did you do this. Trust me he regerts all the time he picked up the phone but put it back down because he knew you didnt want to talk. I hoped that your death would bring him and Jessie closer i think it has a little taking every little second we have on this earth for granted, never again will i do that. You have no idea when our last moment on this earth is. If thats one thing that your death thought me then Im glad because falling in love with Steven wasnt planned but Its deffinately made me the happiest since i was about 12 i think and you came and scooped me up to Myrtle Beach with you that was honestly the happiest time of my life or the time thatr you just showed up to visit us when i was little when i was 15 that summer all my best memories involve you Mel even in your death i got to see my sister play with Alana that funny ninja game oh boy. I think you would be very proud of Alana see beautiful and i think Im going to try and stay in contact with her maybe we could plan a trip and hang out!

All i know Mel is these next five days are going to be hell without you.
I Love you always
Your little sister,
Becca

P.S ill never stop beleiving :)

September 28,2011

Mel,

I wish you were here becuase tonight we woulda but some whoop ass on this chick!