Hi Mel,
I know its been awhile but ive been really busy. I miss you. Steven and i are still doing well but ive been thinking alot and ive come to a lose of words to be honest, black friday is coming up and im flat broke. PLain out flat broke! but i know acouple things that i have a man that loves me, a nice cozy place to live and i have a job that keeps me above water, most of the time the most important things is, is that i havent forgotten you i still love you as much as the day i first knew you exsisted. I miss you more than anyone on the planet could possibliy miss someone. MY boy friend doesnt know it but he reminds me sooo much of you its almost impossible to deal with, his choice of music, the way he talks, the things he does just to make me mad and then laugh at me about it.
It constantly amazes me how the slightiest things remind of you thoughout the days, that seem so dull and weiry but a small shadow of your light brings a smile to my face in the lightest most possible ways. You Mel made me how i am today; a small but mighty strong independent women, who has completely fallen for a soldier. Just like you, didnt plan it but it happened Mel and its been the best thing that happened to me since you, thats whats so fun about all this.....its new and exciting and bright and this new begining means the world to me. I know you always said i would never need a man, but Mel this man brings out the me Ive always been but couldnt be without him. Ya know? am i insane for thinking this way....
I think you would smile and say you silly completely mad girl, but you would know exactly how i felt and would understand the torment i was feeling. I wish you were here to teach me how to be the best army wife, girl friend i could possibilt be. I wish i had your stength even an ounce of it, then i know i would be everything he wanted and exactly what he needed :)
Anyway i just wanted to tell you about that but i love you Mel,
Your amazing loving sister,
Becca
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
October 18,2011
Dear Melissa,
Today is the day you chose to leave us all behind, to take yourself out of the world, to face no more hurt, no more pain, tears, sarrow. I somewhat understand why you did it, because you wanted to be happy to be free from all the bullshitters that are in this world but what i dont understand is how you felt that dying was better. Look at all the stuff you missed in a year, and take into consideration these are just the things in my life, not to mention Elizabeth, Taylor, Chelsea, Hayden, Jessie, Aubrey, Lisa, Dad, Our little sister Racheal, you missed me running for Miss Homecoming Queen, my last christmas being considered as a minor, the birthday card a baught for your 30th birthday, My 18th birthday, my first party as a highschool senior, my first sneeking out the house story, my final softball season as a senior, my class day, My whole senior year, My graduation, my first real job, my first tattoo, my first attempt to live in this world by myself, the first time i was single for more than 6 months, my self realization of Who I am and where i want to be, my first day of college, my first possibibly husband material boyfriend and finally today the first day of the first year without you to tell you everything. I hate this look at all you missed just with me Melissa.
Today sucked by the way, I woke up to dad banging on the door at 10:35am to say he wanted to take me to breakfast, you know me the fatty said Hell yeah! But it was bright and sunny outside, warm. Then i came home around 2 and fell asleep waiting on Steven to come back online, and out like light bulb in a thunderstorm there i was dead to the world! So i woke up around 430 which is about the time i found out that you died last year and it was dark and rainly and just plain depressing outside! Thanks god rub it in that its an awful day for me, I screamed in my mind but psh whatever. Not like he cares my best friend in the whole world couldnt even tell me that she couldnt come see me like she promised she would, but i guess i wouldnt want to be around me on a day like today either. I just felt blah today honestly, i didnt really know what to think or what to say to anybody. Ive pretty much just sat in a depressing mood today but then i thought...
Melissa wouldnt want me to sit here and be upset for something that wasnt my fault nor my choice so i said what the hell, went and got a chili bacon cheeseburger with chili cheese fries, a bag of donuts and about 6 mello yellows and some newports shorts in the box, got me threw the day. Yeah, you know best how I am a fat person trapped inside a skinny persons body lol. Ha remember that day i made a bet with Chris that i could eat like 5 of his monster burgers and i got to 4 and a half! oh man good times! oh and the first night, when i got home from the airport Chris had stuffed Mushrooms waiting for me! Ah Best summer ever, plus the food was amazing. I Remember everything that happened in that summer, from the cabin building at 2am, to the tree house we built, to the morning you left list on the back of chairs for us to do. Ha gosh i miss you.
But Melissa theres something i have to talk to you about, and there is you to thank for this. I am almost positive that when Steven comes home that he will purpose and I am completely content with this matter of fact im excited and really happy! Everytime i think about him my heart beats fast and my mouth goes dry and secertly i can hardly talk :) I get so excited. And Life is to short, so Im going to live everyday like its my last! If that means saying Yes to Steven then i will say yes, moving to North Carolina finding a little house and making it ours then Yes. I want to do it all! Yes Im young but what the hell!
I wish you were here to approve him, dad likes him and so does mom :) which is a good thing because they have never really liked a single boy friend Ive had! SO what im tring to say is i wish you were here to come to my wedding OFCOURSE IT WILL BE AWHILE FROM NOW! SO EVERYONE DONT FREAK OUT but i think thats the next biggest thing that your going to miss and i always pictured you by my side holding my flowers and telling me just say yes like nike or something like that lol.
I work with a really sweet lady, she has lime disease and she inspires me alot like you did. Because shes a hard worker, determined, responsible not to many people like that in the world. Anyways
hope its been a wonderful year where you are because its been a wonderful year for me just wish you coulda been here to see it with me.
Love you
Very
Very
Very much
You Little sister.
Rebecca
Shootin for the moon
Today is the day you chose to leave us all behind, to take yourself out of the world, to face no more hurt, no more pain, tears, sarrow. I somewhat understand why you did it, because you wanted to be happy to be free from all the bullshitters that are in this world but what i dont understand is how you felt that dying was better. Look at all the stuff you missed in a year, and take into consideration these are just the things in my life, not to mention Elizabeth, Taylor, Chelsea, Hayden, Jessie, Aubrey, Lisa, Dad, Our little sister Racheal, you missed me running for Miss Homecoming Queen, my last christmas being considered as a minor, the birthday card a baught for your 30th birthday, My 18th birthday, my first party as a highschool senior, my first sneeking out the house story, my final softball season as a senior, my class day, My whole senior year, My graduation, my first real job, my first tattoo, my first attempt to live in this world by myself, the first time i was single for more than 6 months, my self realization of Who I am and where i want to be, my first day of college, my first possibibly husband material boyfriend and finally today the first day of the first year without you to tell you everything. I hate this look at all you missed just with me Melissa.
Today sucked by the way, I woke up to dad banging on the door at 10:35am to say he wanted to take me to breakfast, you know me the fatty said Hell yeah! But it was bright and sunny outside, warm. Then i came home around 2 and fell asleep waiting on Steven to come back online, and out like light bulb in a thunderstorm there i was dead to the world! So i woke up around 430 which is about the time i found out that you died last year and it was dark and rainly and just plain depressing outside! Thanks god rub it in that its an awful day for me, I screamed in my mind but psh whatever. Not like he cares my best friend in the whole world couldnt even tell me that she couldnt come see me like she promised she would, but i guess i wouldnt want to be around me on a day like today either. I just felt blah today honestly, i didnt really know what to think or what to say to anybody. Ive pretty much just sat in a depressing mood today but then i thought...
Melissa wouldnt want me to sit here and be upset for something that wasnt my fault nor my choice so i said what the hell, went and got a chili bacon cheeseburger with chili cheese fries, a bag of donuts and about 6 mello yellows and some newports shorts in the box, got me threw the day. Yeah, you know best how I am a fat person trapped inside a skinny persons body lol. Ha remember that day i made a bet with Chris that i could eat like 5 of his monster burgers and i got to 4 and a half! oh man good times! oh and the first night, when i got home from the airport Chris had stuffed Mushrooms waiting for me! Ah Best summer ever, plus the food was amazing. I Remember everything that happened in that summer, from the cabin building at 2am, to the tree house we built, to the morning you left list on the back of chairs for us to do. Ha gosh i miss you.
But Melissa theres something i have to talk to you about, and there is you to thank for this. I am almost positive that when Steven comes home that he will purpose and I am completely content with this matter of fact im excited and really happy! Everytime i think about him my heart beats fast and my mouth goes dry and secertly i can hardly talk :) I get so excited. And Life is to short, so Im going to live everyday like its my last! If that means saying Yes to Steven then i will say yes, moving to North Carolina finding a little house and making it ours then Yes. I want to do it all! Yes Im young but what the hell!
I wish you were here to approve him, dad likes him and so does mom :) which is a good thing because they have never really liked a single boy friend Ive had! SO what im tring to say is i wish you were here to come to my wedding OFCOURSE IT WILL BE AWHILE FROM NOW! SO EVERYONE DONT FREAK OUT but i think thats the next biggest thing that your going to miss and i always pictured you by my side holding my flowers and telling me just say yes like nike or something like that lol.
I work with a really sweet lady, she has lime disease and she inspires me alot like you did. Because shes a hard worker, determined, responsible not to many people like that in the world. Anyways
hope its been a wonderful year where you are because its been a wonderful year for me just wish you coulda been here to see it with me.
Love you
Very
Very
Very much
You Little sister.
Rebecca
Shootin for the moon
Saturday, October 15, 2011
October 15,2011
Oh Mel,
Last night and today has been pretty suckish! I took mom and my roomate out to my favorite friday night hotspot, but as soon as i got there i started play fighting with Eric which is one of the dancer for Ozzies ( the bar ) and anyways his foot decided to pretty much rip my big toe nail off, ahhhhh it hurts sooooo much! I wanna cry everytime i look at it! Then i come home to pass out wake up to my lovely puppy Rebel chewing on my 60 dollar wonderbra?! Like really dog wtf not to mention he also decided to sink his teeth into some knowledge and eat my biology 110 book, i doubt ill be able to sell it back to the bookstore with teeth marks and page numbers missing. Can you say Wow!
But thats not the reason Im writing today, My roomate has a six year old and there are often alot of kids over here and today i sat down and looked at a boy and Mel, I got that " I want that feeling" down in the bottom of my stomach. Is it wrong to want kids? I mean trust me i know not right now but with the last guy i talked to before Steve-O had a son as well and gah everytime i looked at him i wished he was mine, For some reason every blonde hair blue eyed boy i wish was mine. Even my little brother JJ, he's so adorable. The good thing about having this feeling earlier is that i think i actually think i found someone that i can get to that point in my life with :)
Mom met him last night, well sorta over a Skype video chat. She thought he was very attractive! And a goofnut which he is, but i love it thats all that matters anyway right? Ofcourse, i still wish you could meet him but thats wishin' for broken promises. In 3 more days it will be a year sine you left me here, but its ok Mel because sometimes i still feel you brushing my hair, or something will wake me up at 3am and ill have the erge to go to walmart lol. Oh gosh and my roomate is sooo much like you Mel. She stays stocked with hot pockets, which i havent eaten until now since Oklahoma. Which is really weird Im doing alot of things lately that i havent done sine our last summer together in 2008. hmmm
Well Mel, how is it where you are? I know its hell here without you.
Do you miss me? Jess? Dad? Well i know we all miss you!
Do you still love me?
Will things ever be the same?
Will i ever forget? I sure as hell hope not. Will you ever forget?
Theres lot of questions like thatm, that just over run my brain somedays and it honestly sucks.
I miss you Big sis
Love you Always,
Rebecca
P.S Ill never stop believing :P
XoXo
Last night and today has been pretty suckish! I took mom and my roomate out to my favorite friday night hotspot, but as soon as i got there i started play fighting with Eric which is one of the dancer for Ozzies ( the bar ) and anyways his foot decided to pretty much rip my big toe nail off, ahhhhh it hurts sooooo much! I wanna cry everytime i look at it! Then i come home to pass out wake up to my lovely puppy Rebel chewing on my 60 dollar wonderbra?! Like really dog wtf not to mention he also decided to sink his teeth into some knowledge and eat my biology 110 book, i doubt ill be able to sell it back to the bookstore with teeth marks and page numbers missing. Can you say Wow!
But thats not the reason Im writing today, My roomate has a six year old and there are often alot of kids over here and today i sat down and looked at a boy and Mel, I got that " I want that feeling" down in the bottom of my stomach. Is it wrong to want kids? I mean trust me i know not right now but with the last guy i talked to before Steve-O had a son as well and gah everytime i looked at him i wished he was mine, For some reason every blonde hair blue eyed boy i wish was mine. Even my little brother JJ, he's so adorable. The good thing about having this feeling earlier is that i think i actually think i found someone that i can get to that point in my life with :)
Mom met him last night, well sorta over a Skype video chat. She thought he was very attractive! And a goofnut which he is, but i love it thats all that matters anyway right? Ofcourse, i still wish you could meet him but thats wishin' for broken promises. In 3 more days it will be a year sine you left me here, but its ok Mel because sometimes i still feel you brushing my hair, or something will wake me up at 3am and ill have the erge to go to walmart lol. Oh gosh and my roomate is sooo much like you Mel. She stays stocked with hot pockets, which i havent eaten until now since Oklahoma. Which is really weird Im doing alot of things lately that i havent done sine our last summer together in 2008. hmmm
Well Mel, how is it where you are? I know its hell here without you.
Do you miss me? Jess? Dad? Well i know we all miss you!
Do you still love me?
Will things ever be the same?
Will i ever forget? I sure as hell hope not. Will you ever forget?
Theres lot of questions like thatm, that just over run my brain somedays and it honestly sucks.
I miss you Big sis
Love you Always,
Rebecca
P.S Ill never stop believing :P
XoXo
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
October 13, 2011
Hey Mel,
Well its 1:24am and in five more days it will be a year since you been gone. Im not going to lie sis, i hate that its like this. Why did you do this to me? I need you, Im so happy and the only person i want to tell is you but your gone. I wish that you just would have talked to me, becuase now Im alone with no confident, beautiful, encouraging, brave, crazy big sister to talk to myself. Im so anger inside i just want to scream!!! I honestly hate this, I wish i could just hop a flight and come see you but the only way im going to see you is if i visit your grave and i honestly dont think i can handle that right now. I am planing a trip to go see Jessie :) around christmas time i hope but if i dont start saving some money that trip will be cut short. But Hopefully someone will be coming with me someone that i wish you could have had the chance to meet. His name is Steven and Mel, He's wonderful everything i ever dreamed of! He makes me feel beautiful, wanted, appreaciated; I feel like he knows who I am but I wouldnt have to speak a single word. Hopefully he will be home when I take the trip so Jess can meet him, but Mel he's in the army and big time. Big Boy with some Big Toys! Yeah hes pretty foreal into it, cant really say what but he deffinately does it! And look i know that the last promise i made you was to never be with a guy in the military but what am i supposed to do, the guy stole my heart without me even realizing it. He crazy though he wants to marry me. Yes, i know im young but I dont care you only find one person that will give you butterflies everytime he says Hey Baby, or every time he smiles you get little tingly sinsations all over your back. But im turning into a wreck without you Mel. I miss my big sister no matter how many times i cry or scream at the wind, it wont bring you back to me. Ive been told that Ive grown into a very wonderful women by my boss, our biological sperm bank, and for some reason i always seem to far short when i think about who i am because i think of you. How i wish you were here so I could listen to your advice, have someone to go to walmart with on nights like this, cold, lonely and rainy. In five days I dont know what or how I am going to react Ill probably just sit back and watch TMC and drink acouple smirKnoffs for you, since that was your favorite drink and Ill probably build something since that was what we did the last summer i got to spend with you!
I dont really know how to end these letters to you and i dont really know if you are reading them but just know this you are greatly loved and missed by every single person that you knew here on earth. Especially Racheal. ANd Racheals surffering is unbeleivable becuase she never got the chance to truely learn what a wonderful person you were.I had that opportunity and i regert deeply not bringing her with me that summer, i rgert being selfish and throwing a fit at any idea of my little sister coming with me to Oklahoma, that brings major tears to my eyes when i think about how shes hurting all the missed opportunities that she never got to experience with you. All becuase of her age and me being selfish. Dad always told her, when your 15 then you can go by yourself, but you didnt make it to see that. We actually were begining to see our family dad was wanting to come see you if you would let him. Thats another pain that i couldnt imagine, Dad's i remembering how he looked when mom tried to tell him at first he thought she was talking about me and he freaked but mom said no not Becca he said Jessie mom said no then he said No Please not Melissa and moms face scattered and so did his. Mel the pain on his face was enough for a lifetime. He dropped to his knees and just screamed out asking You why did you do this. Trust me he regerts all the time he picked up the phone but put it back down because he knew you didnt want to talk. I hoped that your death would bring him and Jessie closer i think it has a little taking every little second we have on this earth for granted, never again will i do that. You have no idea when our last moment on this earth is. If thats one thing that your death thought me then Im glad because falling in love with Steven wasnt planned but Its deffinately made me the happiest since i was about 12 i think and you came and scooped me up to Myrtle Beach with you that was honestly the happiest time of my life or the time thatr you just showed up to visit us when i was little when i was 15 that summer all my best memories involve you Mel even in your death i got to see my sister play with Alana that funny ninja game oh boy. I think you would be very proud of Alana see beautiful and i think Im going to try and stay in contact with her maybe we could plan a trip and hang out!
All i know Mel is these next five days are going to be hell without you.
I Love you always
Your little sister,
Becca
P.S ill never stop beleiving :)
Well its 1:24am and in five more days it will be a year since you been gone. Im not going to lie sis, i hate that its like this. Why did you do this to me? I need you, Im so happy and the only person i want to tell is you but your gone. I wish that you just would have talked to me, becuase now Im alone with no confident, beautiful, encouraging, brave, crazy big sister to talk to myself. Im so anger inside i just want to scream!!! I honestly hate this, I wish i could just hop a flight and come see you but the only way im going to see you is if i visit your grave and i honestly dont think i can handle that right now. I am planing a trip to go see Jessie :) around christmas time i hope but if i dont start saving some money that trip will be cut short. But Hopefully someone will be coming with me someone that i wish you could have had the chance to meet. His name is Steven and Mel, He's wonderful everything i ever dreamed of! He makes me feel beautiful, wanted, appreaciated; I feel like he knows who I am but I wouldnt have to speak a single word. Hopefully he will be home when I take the trip so Jess can meet him, but Mel he's in the army and big time. Big Boy with some Big Toys! Yeah hes pretty foreal into it, cant really say what but he deffinately does it! And look i know that the last promise i made you was to never be with a guy in the military but what am i supposed to do, the guy stole my heart without me even realizing it. He crazy though he wants to marry me. Yes, i know im young but I dont care you only find one person that will give you butterflies everytime he says Hey Baby, or every time he smiles you get little tingly sinsations all over your back. But im turning into a wreck without you Mel. I miss my big sister no matter how many times i cry or scream at the wind, it wont bring you back to me. Ive been told that Ive grown into a very wonderful women by my boss, our biological sperm bank, and for some reason i always seem to far short when i think about who i am because i think of you. How i wish you were here so I could listen to your advice, have someone to go to walmart with on nights like this, cold, lonely and rainy. In five days I dont know what or how I am going to react Ill probably just sit back and watch TMC and drink acouple smirKnoffs for you, since that was your favorite drink and Ill probably build something since that was what we did the last summer i got to spend with you!
I dont really know how to end these letters to you and i dont really know if you are reading them but just know this you are greatly loved and missed by every single person that you knew here on earth. Especially Racheal. ANd Racheals surffering is unbeleivable becuase she never got the chance to truely learn what a wonderful person you were.I had that opportunity and i regert deeply not bringing her with me that summer, i rgert being selfish and throwing a fit at any idea of my little sister coming with me to Oklahoma, that brings major tears to my eyes when i think about how shes hurting all the missed opportunities that she never got to experience with you. All becuase of her age and me being selfish. Dad always told her, when your 15 then you can go by yourself, but you didnt make it to see that. We actually were begining to see our family dad was wanting to come see you if you would let him. Thats another pain that i couldnt imagine, Dad's i remembering how he looked when mom tried to tell him at first he thought she was talking about me and he freaked but mom said no not Becca he said Jessie mom said no then he said No Please not Melissa and moms face scattered and so did his. Mel the pain on his face was enough for a lifetime. He dropped to his knees and just screamed out asking You why did you do this. Trust me he regerts all the time he picked up the phone but put it back down because he knew you didnt want to talk. I hoped that your death would bring him and Jessie closer i think it has a little taking every little second we have on this earth for granted, never again will i do that. You have no idea when our last moment on this earth is. If thats one thing that your death thought me then Im glad because falling in love with Steven wasnt planned but Its deffinately made me the happiest since i was about 12 i think and you came and scooped me up to Myrtle Beach with you that was honestly the happiest time of my life or the time thatr you just showed up to visit us when i was little when i was 15 that summer all my best memories involve you Mel even in your death i got to see my sister play with Alana that funny ninja game oh boy. I think you would be very proud of Alana see beautiful and i think Im going to try and stay in contact with her maybe we could plan a trip and hang out!
All i know Mel is these next five days are going to be hell without you.
I Love you always
Your little sister,
Becca
P.S ill never stop beleiving :)
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
September 28,2011
Mel,
I wish you were here becuase tonight we woulda but some whoop ass on this chick!
I wish you were here becuase tonight we woulda but some whoop ass on this chick!
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
September 27,2011
Hey Mel,
Today was a really rough day. Missed both my classes because of my malfunction junction vechile, so i go shopping to get some stress off, like we used to when i stayed with you in Oklahoma. Plus my roomates dog eat all my panties therefore must buy more! So there i am walking into Belks looking for panties and earrings; this women walks up to me early 40's im guessing and she says to me " Sweetie you need a mother and a boyfriend its written all over your face. Your lonely"?! What the FUCK?! I didnt know what to do to her, slap her or to just cry. GSR-X hasnt really talked to me lately so im a little confused. Debating on wheather i should stay confident in single or should i try and find love, Ah about to say Fuck guys! Become Lesbian, then again they have nothing to offer me so Ill invest in a Battery Operated Boyfriend, sounds good to me :) LOL JK! But i am a little confused about somethings, but im sure the answers will come in time. I miss you Mel. One of your songs came on today and when i hear a song that reminds me of you i hold you in my hand well sorta' i hold my tattoo which is your name so i hold it. The song was Traveling Soldier by Dixie Chicks. Well time to get back to my fucked up life.
Love ya,
Rebecca
Today was a really rough day. Missed both my classes because of my malfunction junction vechile, so i go shopping to get some stress off, like we used to when i stayed with you in Oklahoma. Plus my roomates dog eat all my panties therefore must buy more! So there i am walking into Belks looking for panties and earrings; this women walks up to me early 40's im guessing and she says to me " Sweetie you need a mother and a boyfriend its written all over your face. Your lonely"?! What the FUCK?! I didnt know what to do to her, slap her or to just cry. GSR-X hasnt really talked to me lately so im a little confused. Debating on wheather i should stay confident in single or should i try and find love, Ah about to say Fuck guys! Become Lesbian, then again they have nothing to offer me so Ill invest in a Battery Operated Boyfriend, sounds good to me :) LOL JK! But i am a little confused about somethings, but im sure the answers will come in time. I miss you Mel. One of your songs came on today and when i hear a song that reminds me of you i hold you in my hand well sorta' i hold my tattoo which is your name so i hold it. The song was Traveling Soldier by Dixie Chicks. Well time to get back to my fucked up life.
Love ya,
Rebecca
Monday, September 26, 2011
September 26, 2011 Entry 1
Dear Mel,
Time is finally begining to catch up with me. I wish I could just call you up and talk to you, Ask you why on EARTH things happen the way they do; you always knew how to make things have perfect sense. Why they happened the way they did and plan a counter attack Bahaha. Its almost been a year since I heard your voice, i miss it so much. I called your phone not to long after you were gone but havent done it in awhile, but i didnt tonight just hoping that i would hear your voice again but a guy answered, how weird... I just hung up. This is so lame but I have no other way to talk to you, i feel super weird if i cuddle up play Jewel, smoke a cigarette, build something and just start talking to the unfinished dresser ya' know. I much rather do this, Write a Diary To My Dead Sister( Im going to see if this helps me at all in the next month; stay somewhat sane) I was putting together a dresser I baught and it just reminded me of the last time we spent alot of time together, outside in the garage at 2 am smoking and building cabinets; best summer of my life ya' know. Thanks to you. But your missing all the fun I can bar hop now which is sweet! But i know your lookin' out for me, when i feel super happy i feel like your there smiling with me, when i feel like the world is going to end i feel like your knockin me upside the head screamin at me " Stop it, your to young to beautful to be acting this way, now get up and start living your life". Is it weird to kinda' feel like you are here? huh? All this is very confusing, sometimes i get lost and people ask questions but its a process. In 24 days give or take acouple hours it will be a year since you left me, us. I still cant believe your gone, I'm hoping I'll wake up and its just a terrible dream, like a fog or somekinda crazy shit like that. I miss ya Mel, Ha i gotta guy now, well we just talk but i can tell he'd drive you crazy: tattoos, smokes, drives a sport bike, has a kid all the red flags right? WRONG, i know you would say that lol but I'm sure you've been peepin' in on the conversations and Ummm the physical activity, which was amazing never again will i remain abstinet! Its not worth it :P LMFAO but hes cool (WIll not disclose names do to privacy issue but we can call him GSR-X) anyways. I think i like GSR-X; hes a super dork though but sensative and compassionate. He can play the guitar which makes me melt and he can sing really well, which makes me evaporate :) Im honestly afraid of falling in love with his son before falling for him, ya know what I mean? Dont get me wrong hes wonderful but i nor him wants to rush this thing. Nerve Racking type Shit here! His son is beautiful, smart, funny and did i say super smart?! I already love his son to be honest with you.But anyways lets get off that havent even talked to him about this yet, which i would have if i would have seen him, Grr face! Mel im so much like you, Cant say anything over the phone to shy have to see facial expressions Lol Anyways. Im off work tomarrow, Thank goodness test in Biology, Yes the crazy goofy professor that shakes a femur at us all lecture long! And then boring Math ah! Well its 345 am first class is a 8am better get some sleep Sis.
Love Ya Sis,
Becca
P.S Ill never stop
Believing
Time is finally begining to catch up with me. I wish I could just call you up and talk to you, Ask you why on EARTH things happen the way they do; you always knew how to make things have perfect sense. Why they happened the way they did and plan a counter attack Bahaha. Its almost been a year since I heard your voice, i miss it so much. I called your phone not to long after you were gone but havent done it in awhile, but i didnt tonight just hoping that i would hear your voice again but a guy answered, how weird... I just hung up. This is so lame but I have no other way to talk to you, i feel super weird if i cuddle up play Jewel, smoke a cigarette, build something and just start talking to the unfinished dresser ya' know. I much rather do this, Write a Diary To My Dead Sister( Im going to see if this helps me at all in the next month; stay somewhat sane) I was putting together a dresser I baught and it just reminded me of the last time we spent alot of time together, outside in the garage at 2 am smoking and building cabinets; best summer of my life ya' know. Thanks to you. But your missing all the fun I can bar hop now which is sweet! But i know your lookin' out for me, when i feel super happy i feel like your there smiling with me, when i feel like the world is going to end i feel like your knockin me upside the head screamin at me " Stop it, your to young to beautful to be acting this way, now get up and start living your life". Is it weird to kinda' feel like you are here? huh? All this is very confusing, sometimes i get lost and people ask questions but its a process. In 24 days give or take acouple hours it will be a year since you left me, us. I still cant believe your gone, I'm hoping I'll wake up and its just a terrible dream, like a fog or somekinda crazy shit like that. I miss ya Mel, Ha i gotta guy now, well we just talk but i can tell he'd drive you crazy: tattoos, smokes, drives a sport bike, has a kid all the red flags right? WRONG, i know you would say that lol but I'm sure you've been peepin' in on the conversations and Ummm the physical activity, which was amazing never again will i remain abstinet! Its not worth it :P LMFAO but hes cool (WIll not disclose names do to privacy issue but we can call him GSR-X) anyways. I think i like GSR-X; hes a super dork though but sensative and compassionate. He can play the guitar which makes me melt and he can sing really well, which makes me evaporate :) Im honestly afraid of falling in love with his son before falling for him, ya know what I mean? Dont get me wrong hes wonderful but i nor him wants to rush this thing. Nerve Racking type Shit here! His son is beautiful, smart, funny and did i say super smart?! I already love his son to be honest with you.But anyways lets get off that havent even talked to him about this yet, which i would have if i would have seen him, Grr face! Mel im so much like you, Cant say anything over the phone to shy have to see facial expressions Lol Anyways. Im off work tomarrow, Thank goodness test in Biology, Yes the crazy goofy professor that shakes a femur at us all lecture long! And then boring Math ah! Well its 345 am first class is a 8am better get some sleep Sis.
Love Ya Sis,
Becca
P.S Ill never stop
Believing
Intro
First blog, So I figured I would give an Intro type deal maybe to explain this crazy idea I devolped. My name is Becca. Im an 18 year old college student on her own ( COMPLETELY) i pay my own bills, live in my own house ( with a roomate ofcourse) and i wash my own panties so there. Im a full time college student and a fulltime employee for a 24 hour restraunt not sure if i can say there name so i wont. My sister Melissa was 29 when she commited Suicide on October 18,2010. She had bipolar disorder and minor split personality disorder. People often say oh your Bipolar but its real and it effects everyone not just the person that has it. Its far from a joke. One minute Id have my wonderful life loving sister then the next I wouldnt know how was standing infront oh me, not in the sense a literally different person with a different name like you see on T.V but like her attitude her total outlook on things would be completely different.I still haven't came to reality that she's really gone, that she really willing left this world. So I am begining a blog to help myself in a way talk to her, because its kinda' weird to talk to yourself while smoking a newport, listening to Jewel and building random shit (One of the last things me and my sister did together). So what the hell i thought "lets start a blog, a diary to me, a blog for the enjoyment of others but this is so much more to me, its a start... to move on. Have any questions feel free to ask. I will try to post a blog everyday and try to look at it as a conversation, no a Letter therefore not everything will be typed correctly, for purposes I am typing in dialect so the: Im's Ill's yall;s ya's kinda's will be staying and will be used frequently. Thanks for Reading :)
Becca.BehindTheLines
Becca.BehindTheLines
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